We have yet to close on our house down there {still waiting on paperwork}, so last night I did a quick drive-by to make sure everything was okay. And that's when it hit me: I miss our home. My heart actually started to hurt as I was driving away and remembering how nice it was having a place to go home to at night that was all your own! A place where you could let your hair down, take your makeup {and bra} off and let your creativity flourish without criticism {unless, by chance, I burned dinner!}. Almost like a safe haven from everything and everyone around you. It didn't matter what had happened earlier that day because I knew that night I was going to be able to step in to a place where love and safety were in abundance. I miss having that. It probably didn't help that we had gotten a call earlier that day letting us know that the lot where we wanted to build our house here in Tulsa would be going back on the market due to the fact that our house in Lawton hadn't closed yet. {Here's the summed up version: we found a lot here in Tulsa that we put money down on to build a house. We had the house plan picked out with the builder along with all the interior details...granite, cabinets, tile, door fixtures, etc. Of course everything was contingent upon our house in Lawton selling - which was supposed to be the end of April - but due to the type of loan the buyer is getting, has been taking much longer. Phew...that was it!} That means, once our house closes, we're starting back at square one again when it comes to looking for houses. No house=no home.
Now, we aren't homeless by any means, but I'm just ready to have our own space again. This past year has held so many changes, both expected and unexpected, that I'm just ready to get back to some type of normalcy again. I guess that's why I miss having a home so much. In August my home was Salt Lake. In September my home became Lawton. And in April we moved to Tulsa. We're living out of boxes, sleeping in someone else's bed and I don't even have my favorite recipes to help comfort me {refer back to "being packed away in boxes" comment}. I guess I'm just feeling a little blue and lonely. When I was driving back to Tulsa last night, I programmed our address in to my GPS and hit "Go". Our Lawton address is still programmed in as "Home" {don't ask me how to change that because I'm technologically challenged!} and as I passed the street to our Lawton address, a picture of a little house popped up that was labeled "Home". I literally started crying and thought, "My GPS is as confused about where Home is as I am!" It's hard feeling like where I am is "home" when no type of permanency is involved in our situation. I guess a piece of me is just waiting for another major change to take place again! I feel like a gypsy....but not in a good, stylish kind of way. I feel like I'm wandering around from place to place with very little connections to anything or anyone. I miss having a best friend. I miss having my sister and mom around. I miss having someone to spend hours with, talking about nothing over a cup of coffee. I just miss a lot of things right now.
Matt and I both prayed when we started the house process that God would protect us. So we know that even though we're disappointed with the way things have turned out, God has something better for us out there. And through all of these changes, I know God is working and developing something inside of me that will be so great! But for now I'm just....missing.
