Breakthroughs

"Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together."

Just thought I'd share a few of my views this week! I feel like a part of my soul that's been dormant for far too long is starting to come alive again! And man, does it feel good!

Happy Spring!

Reclining: the new walking.

Wow, friends, so much to tell!

I'm not going to appologize for neglecting you, because I'm not sorry.

I've been so busy living life that blogging about it hasn't been a number one priority.

I am, however, sorry for the fact that I miss the connection that blogging has brought me to all of you pretties.

Let's start here.

Today I am at work...which means I am currently employed!!

Employed by a wonderful company, the one I mentioned here, about the job that I had all of you crossing your fingers and toes for me for! {Thanks for that, by the way!}

I feel so blessed.

Matt and I both do.

He loves his job, the variety and challenges that accompany it every day.

He has bid farewell to monotony and embraced the changes that each day brings.

And if there was any question before on whether or not I was overcome with obsession over my niece, all of those questions can cease to exist as I can officially tell you, I'M OBSESSED!!!!

Seriously, I am so in love with that little sassy pants that it could probably border on mental illness.

She's at the age where she recognizes people and is equally obsessed with pulling my hair and glasses.

I call them "love tugs".

Would you even believe me if I told you she took her very first steps last week?!

Because she did. She did it and she's not even 10 months old yet.

Gypsy baby is growing up so fast, I can't even handle it!

What I can handle is this:

Just chillin'. Like a villain. In the grocery store.

Homegirl is obviously is wayyyy too cool for all us folks who choose to push the carts instead of recline in them.

Get with it people.

Is it Thanksgiving?!

If only you knew how many remarkable blog posts would be on here, if only my brain had a recording device that could type everything that I think of while I'm either showering or running.

It's pretty insightful stuff, folks!

But alas, you will never know those thoughts.

Instead, you will be stuck hearing stories about my dogs or my current sickness or moving. And while your eyes graze across the page, I bet you never imagined the one writing this has two tissues sticking out of her nose whilst her fingers ramble away. Just revert back to the comment on "current sickness".

It's a beautiful sight over on my side of the screen.

And though he would never say it, I'm sure husband would beg to differ.

Sweet as he is, he would never whisper a word of how much he dislikes the fact that I have to lift those tissues in order to give him a kiss. And kiss me, he does.
True love.

Marriage is funny that way.

It brings about both beauty and hardship.

I feel like I've grown so much the last two years, that sometimes when I look back at the girl who stood at the altar to say "I do," I don't even recognize her.

Marriage is a beautiful thing in which two individuals, working together, achieve one of the most incredible acts ever known to man; they become one.  Not through some miraculous happening, but through a lot of bending, giving, breaking, sanding, fighting, mending, forgiving, loving and accepting.

No easy task.

It's opening yourself up to another person and giving them every part of you, knowing full well that they could crush you in the deepest way, but trusting that they won't . And vice versa.

Marriage is knowing and being known to the fullest and sometimes most embarrassing ways and yet still loving that person no matter what pet-peeves {or tissues} may try to interfere.
And it is for that reason that I am grateful.
Grateful for having the opportunity to marry my best friend.
Grateful for the fact that he puts up with my oddities.
Grateful that he allows me to dream and evolve, never once asking me to change.
Grateful that nearly four years ago, he had the guts to email a girl in Utah who he'd never met.
Grateful for his heart
Grateful for his love.
And grateful that he's mine.

Salt Lake or Bust

So a few things have changed since we last talked.

1.)  I'm in a new state. The state where Utahns reside, to be specific.

2.)  In true Marcie fashion, I have a new hair color to go along with my new life change. 

Burgundy / brunette would be a great description of it. 

3.)  It's a new year!! 2013!!!! Can you even believe it?! If you're reading this, I'm assuming you, like me, survived the dreaded "End of the World" fiasco that was supposed to go down in December. 

Silly Mayans. When will you ever learn?!

{source}

After a long drive {approximately 25 hours} and five states later, Matt, the girls and I all made it safely to our new home in Salt Lake City.

The girls made the trip doped up on dramamine and kisses.

 They were the sweetest road trip buddies! Such little angels for having to be in the car for so long. And would you even believe that they still LOVE car rides?! I can hardly believe it myself. They must get their adventurous spirit from me! ;)

All in all, we're getting settled into our semi-temporary home! The cold has been a much bigger adjustment than either of us expected, especially considering I grew up here! I don't know how I managed to forget how frigid the winter air in Utah! Husband started his job this week and I've had two interviews with a company that I'm hoping will love me as much as I do them! 

{Please, oh please cross your fingers for me!}

And one last thing....Matt and I feel so UNBELIEVABLY grateful for the love and support that we've received from our families during this transition! Moving is no easy task, and we couldn't have done it without their help. From helping us get packed up, flying down to help with the drive and then to helping us unpack when Matt was sick with the flu, we both feel overwhelmed with all of the love and support our families have given us. We would be lost without all of their generosity! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts! We love you all so much!

The Flip Side

I'm nearly to the end of my goodbyes and about to start hellos!

Have I mentioned I'm no good at goodbye?

I like to think that I soak in every moment. The happy ones and the sad ones. 

When there's happiness, I'll be there basking in every ounce of sparkle and joy that arrives with that moment.  The same is true with the flip side. I feel every tickle of every tear, every brick that arrives with the weight of sadness and despair. 

Sensitive.

My double-edged sword.

Husband doesn't quite know what to do with this yet, but he's learning. 

The great thing is that with every sad goodbye, I know there's a more exciting hello waiting for me!
Specifically, this little hello.....

Really, could the flip side be any cuter?

Prisoners of Hope

Today I'm feeling extremely grateful. Grateful for the hope of a bright future and that our present hurts and disappoints don't deter us from the greatness that God has locked up inside of us. Grateful that, for the first time in quite a long time, I'm excited for what the future holds!

Growth has been on my mind a lot lately. Specifically, the type of growth that only happens by going through hard times. It is from that type of growth that comes not only a deep wisdom and understanding, but also a deep compassion and tenderness for people and all of their humanity. Growth is the positive reaction to trials; all the while, bitterness fights as its opponent. It takes a determined heart not to let bitterness win the victory.

The last two years, our journey has been filled with ups and downs. Luckily and thankfully, I've had Matt by my side through it all.  Moving away from family is probably the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. Ever.  And it's only gotten harder with the arrival of my little niece. It's so hard not to think about how much I'm missing. It's not just birthdays and holidays anymore, it's missing out on watching my little niece smile for the first time, wondering what makes her laugh, and having to watch her grow up through a computer screen.  My heart aches for home and the familiar. I feel like my life has been nothing but uncertainty the past two years. After getting married and moving to Oklahoma, I finally felt like we had developed a routine. We had our cute little house we had finally transformed from a bachelor pad in to a home, two little poochies and a couple of very close friends. That all didn't last long, because after only nine short months of being married, we packed up our sweet little house and made the move to Tulsa and were going to move in with my in-laws for a couple months until we got settled and found a place of our own. Once again, it felt like the rug was pulled from underneath us as we discovered that the contract on our house fell through and we were stuck with a house in another city, living with my husband's parents, and struggling to make ends meet. That year was the most difficult as we both worked extremely hard to keep everything together financially, only to watch the money we had saved for our future home slowly drain. It felt like the life was draining right out of us. We both took those changes in stride {with a little lemon and salt}, and kept going.

Finally, in February, we had a huge financial burden lifted as we found someone who wanted to rent out our house. We both felt so relieved that we could once again, start rebuilding our savings account. It's been such a huge blessing!  However, this year gifted us with a different set of challenges. Challenges that I had heard countless stories about, but never experienced on a personal level. All the changes that these past two years have held finally caught up with my body and has spun me in to a whirlwind of depression and anxiety attacks. I won't go in to too many details, but I will say that for being a person who is usually very happy-go-lucky and glass half-full, I have never struggled more with the inner battle between deep sadness and an overwhelming sense of guilt, frustration, helplessness and complete darkness. Depression truly is a deep pit that feels completely hopeless.

But the thing I'm learning through all this {and granted, I have my days}, is that even though the situation seems hopeless, it's not. Even though the depression and anxiety attacks make me feel like I'm going crazy, I'm not.  I can only thank God that I've had Matt to be here helping me through everything. Having battled anxiety himself a few years ago, he's there to help remind me that this is not my fault, it's nothing I've done wrong, I'm not going crazy and deep breaths are my best friend. He is truly the human form of God's graciousness in my life.

Oddly enough, this whole journey makes me grateful. Grateful for days like this when I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Grateful that I woke up this morning, and the picture at the top of the screen was the first thing I saw, and I just knew it was God whispering to me the message of "hope". Grateful that God never disposes any of our hurts; He's as green as they come when it comes to recycling and making things new. And most of all, grateful for the love and support of family, who have been so gentle and patient with me through this process.

One of our good friends gave me the best analogy: sometimes our life is like a sling-shot. We have to take a few steps back in order to be launched forward in to our destiny. So maybe these setbacks are just pulling us farther and farther back in order to be released forward in to something so much greater than we could have ever imagined! The set backs are the ammunition that's used to launch us forward.  And as difficult as it seems some days, I'm reminding myself to stop looking at the destination and enjoy the journey. I keep reminding myself to live everyday on purpose. To not let any of my sadness overshadow the good days that we have here. And as my dad so eloquently puts it, "Do your best to soak up every moment; because when you look back, the good days will be the ones you remember. The bad ones will just fade away into the past." Thanks, dad.

So, this is my goal:

"To love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes, 

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you again."

{Ellen Bass}

I will grab life by the face, life that so often seems plain and ugly, and I will choose to unfold and dig up the passion that is buried deep within. My journey is more of a hunt. A treasure hunt. A treasure that was placed there by one who loves me, chose me and considers my soul the true treasure. The One who gave me this promise, and will not fail to fulfill it.

"As for you, because of the blood of my covenant with you, I will free your prisoners from the waterless pit. Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." 

{Zechariah 9:11-12}

Yes, friends. There is always hope.

Peachy with a side of Mondays

I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one who woke up this morning and wondered if I was in the movie "Groundhog Day".

{source}

Mostly because it felt like Monday came twice this week.

This thought kept happening over and over again today.

But then, I would remind myself that it was not, in fact, Monday, and Friday was right around the corner! Things got real peachy then!

So in a sense, we really get two Fridays!

I was superrrrrr happy about that thought.

But not quite as happy as I was Tuesday night.

Mostly because I didn't have to work the next day.

Mostly because husband didn't have to work the next day.

And mostly because I had a hotttttt date that night {husband}.

We got real crazy and stayed up past 9:30 {pm, that is}!

We had been hearing so much about this thing called Night Life that we figured we should try it out for ourselves.

We did.

It was pretty good. Mostly because we had awesome company. And mostly because we saw the new Spiderman movie. 

Not even going to lie, I couldn't figure out if I had more of a crush on the guy playing Spiderman or Emma Stone. It was darn good!

She's so great! Classically great. I may be in love with her.

But I have come to the conclusion that I like early mornings much more than late nights.

I'm officially a senior citizen.

Does that mean I get a discount now??

{source}

Oh hey, remember when I told you about how brave husband and I were trying something new? Oh yeah....we're cray-cray!

Well I told him I have a new life motto. It's called "Don't knock it before you try it."

I figured this was a much better motto than my last one, which was "Say I'll never do things and then end up doing them."

Like.......

Say I'll never have a long distance relationship......then date and marry a boy that lives 1,500 miles away.

Say I'll never move to Oklahoma.....then hear that song played at every major event while I live in Oklahoma.

Say I'll never move in with my in-laws.....then wake up to Matt's parents' smiling faces every morning.

I think you get the idea.

I either needed a new motto, or just needed to start saying that I'll never do things that I actually want to do.

I chose the former. I'm far too afraid of saying "never" anymore.

In honor of that new motto, I tried something that I told a dear deary of mine, was disgusting.

This dear, who shall remain nameless, had a habit of peeing in the shower.

Yes, you read me right.

Peeing in the place where you're supposed to be getting clean.

{And she wondered why I wore flip flops in public showers??}

I know, I'm totally grossed out writing this.

But you're about to be more grossed out by what I did.

I, Marcie, a confessed germaphobe, did the unsanitary.

I she-sheed in a place that only should be welcoming only soap and fruity shower essence.

I peed in the shower.

And it was disgusting.

Mostly because you're peeing on yourself {what I wouldn't give to be able to have some kind of aim}.

And mostly because the steam in the shower makes everything smell like urine.

But don't worry.

I bleached the bejevees out of that shower.

Because that was a disgusting idea.

But I'm only allowed to knock it, because I tried it.

So, my nameless dear, I will never understand your justification of this action.

But I do applaud you for your bravery.

So now it's your turn.....what have you been illegally "knocking" without first trying?? 

Confess!!!

I leave you with these beautiful {blurry iphone} pictures of fireworks from last night.

Because baby, you're a firework!

Herb Festival

Our weekend looked a little like this:

It was warm and cloudy weather {my favorite combination} with lots of time to enjoy it!

Husband had Saturday off work, so after a Zumba and weight class {that's right, I'm superrr buff! Okay, not really. But it's fun to pretend!} we were off to the Jenks Herb Festival!

I truly am a hippie at heart {actually, I like the term "gypsy" better} so places like that make my soul come alive!  There was everything from live music, to herbs, antiques and wineries! Not to mention all the fresh fruit and vegetables! Absolutely lovely!  I'm totally on board with anything that is organic and natural, which is probably why I'm completely obsessed with doTerra essential oils! But I'll talk more about that later.

I do have a funny story that comes with a piece of advice. I was talking with one of the herb vendors because I really wanted to find an herb that would help aid in digestion. The problem with that was that I wasn't specific about the type of digestion "aid" I was needing {there really are two types: stop and go}. Anyway, I was so caught up in my gypsy alter-ego and new herb fanaticism {lavender and peppermint were about the only ones that I could pronounce}, that I ended up with the opposite type of "aid" that I needed. I didn't discover that until I was home and researching the herb that I had bought! Luckily, I read the description before I made myself a cup of tea and will be putting that herb on the shelf until its aid is needed. So my advice: google before you buy....or at least before you drink. Oh, and don't let your gyspy alter-ego take over your common sense. 

But I did find an awesome company who makes 100% natural lip balm, lotion bars, soap and diaper balm. They are totally awesome and I'm SOLD on their lip balm! Their name is MaggieB Naturals and they have such an awesome story! I have never had a lip balm keep so much moisture locked in! Usually, you have to reapply about every thirty minutes. Three hours after I put this brand on, I could still feel it on my lips. So refreshing!

Did I mention husband's birthday is coming up?? Yes! He is turning the ripe old age of twenty-eight! So this weekend was also spent as an early celebration! So of course that meant some time on the golf course. He LOVES that place! But not quite as much as I love his sweet face with the dimples on the side! :)

How was your weekend?!

Pops

Last weekend, the husband and I met up with two of our dearest friends for one last kung-pow before they welcome their little baby in to the world! 

We met Linsey and Justin during our time during in Lawton and we're convinced that God created these two gems specifically with us in mind! They're the type of friends that everyone deserves to have. And we're blessed to say we do!

So down the road we went.

Down the Route 66 road, to be exact!

Down to Pops on Route 66.

Pops is one of those little small town treasures that make a drive worth while! It's impossible to miss with a huge soda bottle out front, taller than the building and glowing with multiple LED lights! And that bottle is only a foretelling of what's to come! Pops contains nearly every soda that's ever been made, proudly displayed in their glass windows which surround the building. But it doesn't stop there....step inside, back in time, to a 1950s-esque diner with all things delicious and over 600 milk shake flavors! We ate and drank {soda, of course!} to our hearts content! And then after that, it was time to be adventurous! Not only does Pops display many of their hard-to-come-by sodas, but they also sell them! Matt and I filled up our cute little carrier with six soda flavors that we had never heard of before. {My favorite so far has been the Black Jack's Blood Red Cola!}

Matt and I have determined that wherever we're living, however boring a place it may seem, that we will do our best to take advantage of the time we have there to seek out whatever secret treasures it has to offer! We consider this our way of looking at the glass half-full and living life with no regrets!

Pops is one of those treasures. 

Next time, we plan on taking a blanket and taking advantage of the picnic-perfect fields surrounding the station! Absolutely lovely! :)

Be sure to mark your maps!

Prone to Wander

This song has been playing non-stop in our house this week. Ever get that feeling that something incredible is happening but you have nothing to go off of other than the Holy Spirit deep down inside you whispering hope? When in fact nothing around you speaks of hope, God is the hope to the hopeless. The light in the darkness. The direction when you feel lost. And the only thing that keeps you holding on when everything else speaks of despair. God is that hope. And we are, in fact, prisoners of hope. I am constantly in awe of the power of God's grace in our lives. They truly are "streams of mercy never ceasing" and I can't help but be overwhelmed by them. What an amazing God we serve!

Wisdom of the ages. I can't even read the lyrics without getting emotional. So many times I've doubted God working in our lives and even throw a sort of tantrum when I don't get the answers that I feel like I deserve. Yet his redeeming love always finds me and I find myself, once again, a debtor to grace.

And, because I love finding out the history of things, here's a little bit for you! "Come Thou Fount" was originally written by Robert Robinson in 1757 when he was only 22 years old. It was a sort of autobiography of his life and walk with the Lord. He wrote it to accompany a sermon he was working on and it has since become one of the most well-known hymns of our day. The line of the song that reads "Here I raise my Ebenezer," is referring to 1 Samuel 7:12 in which Samuel was referring to God's continued faithfulness. The hymn was composed by John Wyeth in 1813.

Come Thou fount of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise

And teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above

I'll praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it

Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Hither by Thy help I come

And I hope by Thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger

Wandering from the fold of God

He to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood

Oh, to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be

And let Thy goodness like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it

Seal it for Thy courts above

Something is stirring...

I don't know if it's all my friends and family right now that are pregnant...or maybe it's been watching a few friends go through the adoption process...but all I can tell you is that something deep inside of me is stirring. And just to answer any assumptions that you may have up front, no, I am not pregnant! Far from it actually. Let me start from the beginning.

When I was younger, there was a group called The African Children's Choir that used to travel around the U.S. to help raise money to send back to their homes. Most of them had lost both parents in tragedies that we couldn't even fathom. When they would come through Salt Lake, my family used to host a few of the kids. It was only for a few days, but those few days were long enough to make a lasting impression. I remember one particular year it had snowed in the mountains so we took the three girls that were staying with us up to see it. They had never seen snow before in their life and couldn't get enough of the fluffy whiteness that blanketed the ground! Throwing it in the air and at each other and sticking handfuls of it in their mouths, they were absolutely delighted at the snowy surprise! That same year, one of the girls had gotten very attached to my dad and when it was time to leave, all I can remember is that little girl clinging to my dad's neck, crying and not wanting to let go. My dad held her, patting her back and coaxing her to release. But I knew what she wanted was not to let go of the safety and security that she found in my dad's arms. I cried watching, because I knew how good those arms felt. A lasting impression.

I don't know if that's what started this stirring in my young heart, or if God had it planted there all along, but while most little girls played "House" and stuffed a ball up their tummies to pretend like they were pregnant, I was the odd one out who always dreamed of going over to Africa to save the orphans.  It's something that I never grew out of, and I can remember one particular night about 5 years ago when I was going through a hard time {yet another identity crisis}, there were so many unknowns in my life and I was so confused about who I was and what I was supposed to do. I can remember God whispering to me that night as I lay in bed crying to write down the things that I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he had told me about myself. I began making a list, and on that list was one thing that was outstanding above them all: I was called to be a mother to the motherless. I can remember even writing that phrase down brought me to tears. Typing it now has the same affect. It was a promise that I kept very dear to my heart and buried in the deepest, safest place.

Flash forward a couple years and I'm talking on the phone to a blue-eyed boy from Oklahoma. We're still in the getting-to-know-you stage, discussing dreams we have for our lives, when out of nowhere he says something that makes my heart stop. He begins telling me that he's always felt that God has called him to be a father to the fatherless. He wasn't really sure what that meant, and at that time he took it to mean that he was a father to all the hundreds of teenagers that he was with every week. But I knew better. I just listened, never revealing to him until almost a year later when we were engaged that God had spoken the same thing to me. But in that moment of his confession, I knew that that was the man I was going to marry. I even have it recorded in my journal. Creepy how stuff like that happens, right?! Only God.

Adoption has always been the topic when Matt and I talk about having a family. The alternative {which is, having a baby of our own} rarely if ever comes up as an option. That's not to say that if we had one of our own, that we wouldn't adore and cherish him or her, but it's just to say that our hearts have always been so set on adoption, that it's hard to imagine anything else! Most people have a hard time understanding that.

And here we are, in the present, on January 21, 2012. Today. The dream has been has been in slumber for quite a while, but in the past couple months, has slowly been making it's way to the surface. I don't know what that means for us or a timeline of when it will happen, but I just know that something deep inside me has started stirring. Maybe it's God starting to prepare our hearts for whatever the future holds or maybe it's just a result of all the pregnancy hormones floating around in the air. Whatever it is, I do know that I've started praying for our {future} little ones. Because maybe they are being born today. Because maybe their birth mother needs someone to show her compassion. Or, because maybe they need all the health, love, and compassion that only can be provided by a mother's heart who's half a world away. So instead I pray. I pray for health, love and compassion that comes from the ultimate Father of the fatherless. It's so comforting to have Him on our side and to know that wherever we are, wherever they are, we have someone who loves and cares for our little ones more than we can ever imagine!

So that's where we are folks! In the middle of a big bowl that's being stirred by a much bigger hand! We don't have a timeline, but we do ask that if it ever crosses your mind, that you pray with us!

"Father to the fatherless, defender of the widows - this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families..."

Psalm 68:5-6

Reflections

So I just realized I had forgotten to post this after I wrote it...oops! My B! Haha! So please pardon the time lapse as you read some of my ramblings! :) Oh and also, please excuse this picture of Piper....she wanted to get in on today's blogging action!

It's the day after Thanksgiving and I'm feeling as turkey-hungover as ever!! Somewhere between my bed and the living room couch, all motivation ceased to exist! So today has been filled with lots of time with Piper and Lola {my two sweet puppies} and old, girly, romantic movies....the kind I can only watch when I'm either alone or in the company of another girl! My special guests were Judy Garland and Tom Hanks. Romance was going strong!

Matt and I were able to celebrate Thanksgiving twice this year, once with my family last week and again with his family yesterday. We both feel incredibly blessed to have such great support groups!! So, in the order of Thanksgiving traditions, I thought I would talk about the thing for which I'm most {very} thankful for! I'll give you one guess....it starts with "M" and ends with "att"?!  Our first year of marriage brought so many unexpected twists and turns....some that would tear most couples apart, but I can honestly say that I have never felt closer to this wonderful man! I read something today that said, "The couples that are meant to be are the ones who go through everything designed to tear them apart and come out even stronger than they were before." I really couldn't agree more.  I think today's society enter into marriage so lightly that when the bumps in the road do come, they automatically assume it's the other person's fault and jump ship. Definitely not what God had in mind when he designed marriage. Marriage is a team effort and some days you have to make a choice to love the goopy-eyed, vermon breathed, frizzy haired mess that's laying next to you {poor Matt....Sleeping Beauty wasn't my favorite princess for a reason!}. Anyway, today I was reading some of Matt and I's first emails to each other. They contained all the usual get-to-know-you questions along with a few epiphanies and dreams. We had the world figured out and our lives all planned...funny how much we DIDN'T know! Haha! I think if anything, these past couple years have taught me how to "let go and let God". Granted, I'm still in the middle of learning that and there's been plenty of kicking and screaming along the way, but I am learning. Nothing panned out like we had planned, but we can only put our hope in the fact that God does have our best interest in mind and he is faithful. Some days it's easier to do that than others, but luckily when one of us is feeling down the other is there to help bring the other one up. We're a team. And a pretty good one at that! ♥

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I've developed a new morning routine.....

Repeat these three phrases to yourself:

God is faithful.

God is good.

God loves me.

Because whether or not you feel it,

God is faithful.

God is good.

And God does love you, more than you know.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Elephants and Meerkats

Every night, a line is drawn.  Not a metaphorical line, an actual line that divides our bed straight down the middle. Now, we're not prudes dating back to the days of "I Love Lucy" {oh, how I LOVE Lucy!}, but when it's time to sleep, we both like our space! Every once in a while {eh-hum....nearly every night}, one of us crosses the line and that starts a war that is usually only resolved by an intense game of footsies {i.e. kicking}.
Last night, when husband crossed the line, the usual "Eh-hum....you crossed the line" conversation got started. And after much practical debate, Matt looked over at my side and said, "Look how much room you have over on your side! Scoot over!"
"I can't help that I take up less of my half than you do of yours," I respond. He then looked at me with his big blue eyes and said, "Babe, in the zoo elephants get more space than meerkats!"
We both die laughing and leave the debate to be resolved another night.

This week dates a year that Matt and I have been married! I can't even believe it!! Marriage has been one of the greatest gifts God has ever given us! Matt challenges me in a way that no one else ever could and has been the greatest example of God's love and grace in my life. So this week, I'll be posting some of my favorite memories that Matt and I have had in our first year! :)

Thinking back to our first fight, I have no idea what it was about, but I just remember I was scrubbing the floor  at our house and I was so mad at him! The more I scrubbed, the more I cried and just wanted to hop on a plane and go home to Utah.  I had never been so mad at a person! But I also remember resolving that fight....Matt forcing me to talk to him and tell me every little thing that I was thinking...the good, the bad and the ugly {and believe me, there was plenty of ugly!}....then, he did the most amazing thing.  He gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me! He didn't run away as I wanted to, he stuck it out and we worked it out. That's when I knew, it didn't matter what we went through in our lives, we could get through it if we worked together and ran to each other instead of away from the problem. I knew God had brought us together for a special purpose! And now, a year later, whether it be fighting over our half of the bed or something much bigger than that, I know that as much as I dread the fighting, I love the resolving!! We always end up stronger, better and more in love than before. There's no one else's meerkat I'd rather be! :)

Just a reminder....you're normal!

If you're going through any type of major change right now, this might be just the thing you need to read!

It pretty much sums up everything right now. I needed to read it to remind me that I'm normal!! Haha!

{Oh and don't worry, I did realize the 'd' is missing from 'and'. Grammar nut.}

No Strings {attached}

Matt and I had the coolest thing happen to us and just had to share with how God is working in our lives!  I'll back up a little bit...moving to Tulsa was a huge step for both of us! For people on the outside, it looked rushed and hectic, like we were being impulsive and irresponsible about our decision to leave.  However, no one knows that me and Matt had been feeling a change coming for quite a while, and only let a select few people in on what was going on in our hearts. So when the change finally presented itself, we both knew God was in it and decided to take a leap of faith and leave all things comfortable and safe for a brand new adventure {one in which we couldn't see all the details}!  Well when we arrived, things were a little different than what we were initially expecting {which is part of the beauty of life}, but nothing we couldn't handle and we made it work.  We still knew we had made the right decision and were loving our new life! However, a few things happened that have made the past two months quite a struggle.  We had quite a few unexpected financial set-backs that made us question if we had done or were doing the right thing.  There was one night that felt like a breaking point for both of us. Not in matter of breaking our marriage, but in a matter that we both felt completely drained and desperate for answers. It was one of those times when you're asking all the honest questions, and silence seems to be the only response.  In all the three years that I've known Matt, I can count two times when I've seen him cry, and one of those times was that night. I felt so helpless because I'm usually the one crying and being held by him!  All I could do was tell him that God had not forgotten us and that everything was going to be ok. Those were words that I didn't even believe at the time and I felt like such a hypocrite saying them. I knew deep down in my heart they were truths, but there seemed to be no light beaming from them. So.....I began to pray. We needed manna from heaven.

Matt had been asked a few months ago to be a part of a wedding ceremony for one of his close friends that he grew up with.  The friend and his {soon-to-be} wife had dated four years and finally decided to tie the knot! It was such a fun wedding to be a part of....one of those weddings where both families are just beaming with excitement and so is everyone attending! It was a great time with homemade food and lots of stories! The best part was that I was finally able to meet all the people that Matt had gotten into trouble with when he was younger! And for those of you who have met Matt, you wouldn't be surprised to learn that he was quite the the hooligan in his younger years! But really, not much has changed since then!  One of his friends that he had gotten in a particular amount of trouble with had drove in from out of town for the wedding with his new wife of only a couple months. The two of them are getting ready to head over to the Philippines as missionaries to be part of project called "FUEL" and have some of the most incredible hearts of anyone we've met! FUEL is a project that's designed to pinpoint and excel the passions of each individual, something that is nearly unheard of in the Filipino culture. They have started advertising the program with wrist bands that read "What is your passion?" and already, the wrist bands have made it across the college campuses and even the President of one of the colleges has boasted wearing one and holding assemblies to get students excited! We both felt inspired after talking with them! You can find out more about them and project Fuel here.

Anyway, after having coffee with the two of them, we were making our way to the cars and Matt's friend changed the direction of conversation and said, "You know, my aunt gave me some money and right when she handed it to me, God brought your name to mind. So here." And with that, he handed Matt the money.  We were both speechless. And at that moment, it was like God had wrapped us both in a huge hug and said, "See, I told you I haven't forgotten about you!"  Matt fumbled over his words for a minute but all he could say was, "Thanks, man!" Such a guy. He did go on to tell him a little about our struggle and how God used this as confirmation that we're exactly where we need to be. I just stood there, coaching myself to hold back the tears that were about to spill over.  My efforts were in vain as Matt took one look at me and said, "And she's going to cry." I burst in to tears and said, "Yes!" I hugged them both and told them how grateful we were.  We all talked a bit longer and then went our separate ways.  We almost felt guilty taking the money after hearing their incredible story and debated on refusing it, but then by doing so it would have been like shoving God's gift of confirmation and blessing right back in his face.

So Matt and I both got in our truck.  And even though I have been accused of {slight} exaggeration at moments, I'm being 100% honest when I tell you what song was playing when the radio turned on......



My response to God: "Ok, now you're just showing off!"

God is good, even in our darkest moments. He's the light that shines in the darkness....even when the darkness seems never-ending!

Let me add one more part to the story so you can know how really good God is!
Before we went out to coffee with Matt's friend and his wife, let me just mention it was a Sunday and that particular Sunday we didn't pay tithes! {GASP!!} Hah, I already know.  But before you start sending me messages filled with Bible verses about tithing, let me just mention that we had to drive separate cars to church that week because he was playing on the worship team...so it was one of those times where I thought he paid and he thought I paid. End of story. But that makes the story that much more cool because once again, it just shows how much God loves us!! A lot of times, I think people try to manipulate God with money. They tithe or give in the offering because they think that will give them God's blessings. But really what they're doing is trying to play God like a puppet. What we fail to grasp about God is that there are NO STRINGS ATTACHED to anything he does! Just because we're good people doesn't mean he loves us more or is going to do more for us than a person who isn't so good.  God gives freely and will not be mocked or manipulated by our actions. Think about this, if God could be manipulated by our money or actions, what would make him any different than us?? He wouldn't be a very big god if you ask me.  But what makes God so great is that everyone is equally loved in his eyes and all he desires is an individual relationship with us. It's such a beautiful thing and a testament to his love and grace. Grace gives us what we don't deserve and saves us from what we do deserve.  And let me just reiterate one more time that I fully believe in tithing and it's something I would recommend for everyone....whether you go to church or not. Give God your firsts and see how he blesses you!

Just in case you missed those lyrics....

"Calling All Angels"

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

[Chorus:]
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you don't give up [Repeat x4]

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

[Chorus]

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

[Chorus x2]

Calling all you angels [Repeat till fade] 

A little bit of Dreaming

Remember how I said that I change my mind every 37 seconds?? Well this is one more post to support that.  Matt and I got a call this week informing us that our house {which we thought we sold} fell through and we're at square one {yet again}. So after we got over our first initial disappointment.....we started dreaming!  Dreaming of places we would like to live, places we would like to travel, things we would like to experience! Our discussion began with, "After we sell our house....what do we want to do?" We both agreed buying probably isn't the best option for us right now {I know, a stark contrast from what we were thinking, well, ummm....37 seconds ago?! Haha}, so our next option is renting.  Then we threw out the possibility of moving away completely....and that's when things got really fun!!
But let me back up a little, because this all started with a dream I had the night before. A dream in which I was super angry at Matt for one reason: he didn't want to move to Hawaii. In my dream, I had this brilliant idea {because I'm full of those} that we should move to Hawaii because we had nothing holding us back. We're young. We're free. Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises or demands. Errrrr...wait....isn't that a song?! Maybe it was serenading my dream. Anyway, I kept telling Matt how we just needed to take a risk because we have nothing holding us back, and in my dream, he shot me down. Hard. Which is why I wouldn't talk to him for ten years {in my dream, of course!}.  When I told Matt about my silly little dream, we both kind of laughed at the stupidity of it, and then Matt got this look in his eye and he goes, "Why don't we move there? We seriously have nothing holding us back! I think I would make a pretty good beach bum!" Then I got really excited and started talking really fast {much too fast actually} and it all went uphill from there!  We started throwing out different ideas of where we could work {and yes, a sno shack was on that list! Haha!} and live....and then we ventured a place a little more east of where we live....then a place a little west.....we actually went all over of places we would love to live and travel to!! Here's our top picks so far:

Hawaii......Because.....

honestly, there's not one person that has been to Hawaii that doesn't want to move there!  It really is a tropical oasis that is unlike any other place I've ever been! Absolutely beautiful and breathtaking!  I can already feels the sand in between my toes! 

Italy

Matt and I always talked about going to Italy together. We even had that on the list for possible honeymoon destinations!  Secretly, I think Matt wants to go because he's a pizza-holic, but I don't even care! It seems like a place where time stands still....and I've always wanted to ride on a gondola! :) Plus, Italian is probably one of the most beautiful languages I've ever heard spoken! Ciao bella!

Irealand.....because....

Both Matt and I have always wanted to travel to Ireland, even before we met each other! I had always thought it was a beautiful place, but I sort of became REALLY obsessed with it after I watched P.S. I Love You.  Gerard Butler is the only other man besides Matt that has my heart! Sometimes I can hear them battling for it at night. My sister and I actually had a trip planned there for spring 2009. We were going to fly there {with a discounted rate due to my dear flight attendant of a sister} and stay in hostiles in between backpacking excursions through different towns and pubs. Adventurous and romantic?? Yes! Only one problem. Before we had a chance to leave, a dark haired man came along and stole my dear sister's heart with promises of marriage and much Chilean food. Needless to say, she fell for it and our trip got canceled and replaced by a solo {meaning only my sister going} trip to Chile. My brother-in-law, although I love him, is still in-debted to an Irish getaway!  

So that's what we're dreaming of these days! Are we being realistic....will it ever happen?! Maybe...who knows! I may be criticized for dreaming too much and sometimes too big and a little too unrealistically, but if we don't have our dreams, we aren't left with much else to hold on to! As my dear friend Cinderella, so eloquently puts it...

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling thru

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

the dream that you wish will come true

So this is us dreaming! :) One of my favorite past times! Who knows what will come of it....but we're excited to find out!!

there's no place like {home}

It's Memorial Day weekend!! While everyone is loading up and heading out, Matt and I are just getting back to town.  We headed down to Lawton on Thursday afternoon to watch and celebrate with a few of our high schoolers {from the good ol' youth pastor days} during their graduation! Such a fun and exciting time to be able to share with these students!  Unfortunately, Matt had to be back for work the next day, so we drove separate cars so I could stay down there and catch up with a few {very dear} friends.  It was such a great time and I feel so lucky to have so many incredible people that pour love and wisdom into my life!!!
We have yet to close on our house down there {still waiting on paperwork}, so last night I did a quick drive-by to make sure everything was okay.  And that's when it hit me: I miss our home. My heart actually started to hurt as I was driving away and remembering how nice it was having a place to go home to at night that was all your own! A place where you could let your hair down, take your makeup {and bra} off and let your creativity flourish without criticism {unless, by chance, I burned dinner!}. Almost like a safe haven from everything and everyone around you.  It didn't matter what had happened earlier that day because I knew that night I was going to be able to step in to a place where love and safety were in abundance. I miss having that. It probably didn't help that we had gotten a call earlier that day letting us know that the lot where we wanted to build our house here in Tulsa would be going back on the market due to the fact that our house in Lawton hadn't closed yet. {Here's the summed up version: we found a lot here in Tulsa that we put money down on to build a house.  We had the house plan picked out with the builder along with all the interior details...granite, cabinets, tile, door fixtures, etc.  Of course everything was contingent upon our house in Lawton selling - which was supposed to be the end of April - but due to the type of loan the buyer is getting, has been taking much longer. Phew...that was it!} That means, once our house closes, we're starting back at square one again when it comes to looking for houses. No house=no home.
Now, we aren't homeless by any means, but I'm just ready to have our own space again.  This past year has held so many changes, both expected and unexpected, that I'm just ready to get back to some type of normalcy again. I guess that's why I miss having a home so much. In August my home was Salt Lake. In September my home became Lawton. And in April we moved to Tulsa.  We're living out of boxes, sleeping in someone else's bed and I don't even have my favorite recipes to help comfort me {refer back to "being packed away in boxes" comment}.  I guess I'm just feeling a little blue and lonely.  When I was driving back to Tulsa last night, I programmed our address in to my GPS and hit "Go". Our Lawton address is still programmed in as "Home" {don't ask me how to change that because I'm technologically challenged!} and as I passed the street to our Lawton address, a picture of a little house popped up that was labeled "Home". I literally started crying and thought, "My GPS is as confused about where Home is as I am!"  It's hard feeling like where I am is "home" when no type of permanency is involved in our situation.  I guess a piece of me is just waiting for another major change to take place again!  I feel like a gypsy....but not in a good, stylish kind of way.  I feel like I'm wandering around from place to place with very little connections to anything or anyone.  I miss having a best friend. I miss having my sister and mom around. I miss having someone to spend hours with, talking about nothing over a cup of coffee.  I just miss a lot of things right now.
Matt and I both prayed when we started the house process that God would protect us.  So we know that even though we're disappointed with the way things have turned out, God has something better for us out there.  And through all of these changes, I know God is working and developing something inside of me that will be so great!  But for now I'm just....missing.

unexpected {delight)

Ok, so I've already talked about how I've been in "nesting" mode lately {while we're in between houses}, well the other day I stumbled upon the CUTEST sign that I just had to get for our {future} master bedroom!  Matt and I never were able to find a picture for our wall in our old house, but I can already tell this one will be perfect in our new house {whenever or wherever that will be}! The sign is by Etsy shop designer LeeLaLa and I can already visualize it on the wall with a collage of pictures! Can't wait!!! :)

What's on your bedroom walls?!

sometimes all it takes is a look back...

And now....an attempt at finding humor in {an all but normal} week.

Sometimes, when you're having the craziest {and I do mean craziest} of days, all it takes is a look back to help lighten the mood and find a reason to laugh at yourself {and the situation}. Well this is my look back at an accumulation of those days {seven or eight to be specific}, so here we go!
Matt and I have been the parents {some say owners} of two very sweet and spunky dogs for about eight months now {six for Piper}. Lola and Piper have been the source of so many laughs and fun times....but we didn't realize everything that we were signing up for when we decided to get two larger sized dogs.  Let's just say the movies Marley and Me and Beethoven were not at all an exaggeration of the things that happen when you own {big} dogs!  Not only do they tend to push over {or run over} everything in their path of hyper running, but they also tend to chew up everything {and I do mean EVERYTHING} that they can get their little paws on!

RIP...

two pairs of slippers

one $120 shirt {for the record, it was given to Matt for free}

two pairs of shoes
one limited edition OSU cowboys hat
one winter cap {knit especially for Matt by his grandmother}

four doggie beds

two couch pillows

two couch cushions

one lawnmower cord {thus disabling the lawnmower}

one door screen

one rain gutter

*four tree limbs 

countless socks

two large quilts

*four towels

*three matchbox cars
*one blue tooth

*one tv remote

*two dvd cases

*one video game {two days after Matt bought it}

*half a wall {yes, an interior wall}