One Thing Remains

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The most wonderful thing about God and His word is the fact that verses that you may not have read for years are suddenly brought to the hearts' surface at just the right time, providing comfort, peace and clarity of mind and heart. Such is the story with this these verses. I'm one of those people who loves words. Like really loves words! And when I read something like Ecclesiastes, my soul is stirred. This isn't the first time this verse has been used as an entry point to one of my posts, but there's nothing more comforting than reading this, no matter what season of life you may be in. It reminds you that, as difficult as a "time" may seem, a new time will soon follow. Things come to pass, not to stay. And when your heart feels lonely and wonders why letting go can be so hard, you are reminded that God is in control and has taken care of all the details. When your heart feels rejected, you are reminded that one thing remains: God's love never fails. It never abandons, though we may feel estranged. It is stronger than any mountain we may face and deeper than any ocean we may wade. It reminds us that fear has no place in our hearts because God is on our side. It builds faith and strengthens the soul. It allows us to love the ones who hurt us and trust God to bring the healing. But more than anything, it allows us to find joy in the midst of any and every season. True joy. The kind that can't be manufactured by emotion or bought at a store. The kind that isn't dependent upon perfect circumstances. The kind that is brought about by the knowledge that God's love is never out of reach. Though all else may fail, this one thing remains.

Long Drives and Serenades

Husband and I took a drive this weekend.

A long, romantic drive.

The ones where you hold hands and no words are needed.

But words were spoken, because let's face it, I'm a girl!

That's when the sweetest thing happened....

One of the most beautiful songs of all time came on to serenade our drive.

Things just sort of hushed and we squeezed each others' hands a little tighter and listened to the sweet sound of Adele's "Make You Feel My Love".

Naturally, you tend to remember the treasure you were given in each other.

Husband took it one step further.

During the song, he said "I just got the feeling that God wants us to know that this is His song to us."

Tears came to my eyes, because I knew it was true. 

And I knew that God was right there with us in the car.

That moment, that song, was instantly turned to one of very, intimate romance.

Not just romance between a husband and wife, but romance between an ever-loving, never-giving-up-on, knows-just-what-to-say kind of God and his two little kids.

The kind of God that sees exactly where you are, knows every ounce of fear you're feeling about the next step, and knows that despite all those things, you're stepping out and putting all your trust in Him. 

It's in those moments, that that sweet, gentle Jesus shows up in the car and whispers of the lengths he'll go to reassure you of his love 

That, my friends, is true romance!

My prayer is that each and every one of you reading this will experience a moment of romance just as intimate as this with the God who is not mad at you, but madly in love with you! Those moments are the ones that can not be made up or manipulated by emotion, rather, they are made up of the reassurance that your life is full of potential and purpose, never to be taken away.

True romance.

Insanity on Sunday {not the workout kind}

My heart is full!

Remember when I told you about the amazing adoption journey over at Treasures Over the Rainbow?

Well their journey apart is finally over and their two little kiddos are home safe!

Funny how blogs can emotionally connect you with people you've never met.

Such is the story with this family!

Here's a little peak at their adventure's beginning. 

I pretty much cried the whole 15 minutes.

God has used this family's journey to teach me something about my own.

Bear with me as I try to explain....

You've already heard me talk about the last two years...blah, blah, blah...it's been hard.

I've mentioned to Matt before about how I wonder if the reason why the consistent lesson in the last two years has had to do with patience and trusting God is because that's what's going to be required of us in our adoption journey. Yet for some reason, it has never occurred to me that the separation and feeling of loss that I've experienced could also be part of that lesson. It never occurred to me until today, when I was reading about the post-adoption process. When a child is torn away from their environment, no matter how young they may be, the emotional effects of the trauma are felt, even by infants.  It is natural for them to regress and experience grief at the loss.  My heart started aching as I read this, aching because I know how hard that loss can be at my age, and I can't even imagine having to deal with that loss at a much younger and less developed stage of life.  God was totally speaking to my heart. No, I'm not saying that God intentionally made these last two years hard to teach me a lesson. That is not in God's nature to be mean. He is good and anything contrary to that is not of Him. What I am saying is that in that moment of ache, I could feel him speaking to my heart, whispering, as only a father could, saying, "Your hurt isn't wasted and for no reason. I promised to turn all things for good."  

I already love our little ones more than words can say. And I have no idea all of the trauma and changes that they will have experienced in their little lives by the time we're able to bring them into our family. In fact, I can't even imagine it! But what I do know is that if this small taste of loss that I've experienced in my life will make me a more compassionate, patient and understanding mother, I would go through it 100 more times so that my child wouldn't have to feel like the pain they're going through is gone through alone. Is it weird that I already love my kids that much and have no idea who they are?! Sometimes I think I could claim insanity.

Birthday Boy!

That's right folks....it's the love of my life's BIRTHDAY!!!

Yep!

He is now the ripe old age of twenty-eight. 

{Cradle robber, I already know.} 

Ha!!! Kidding.

But seriously, look at this face:

Ok, now stop looking...because I know you're lusting.

Seriously, stop.

Sorry, I'll stop posting sexy pictures of him that make it hard for you to stop looking.

Here:

Does that help??

Haha...yes, I married a cross-dressing maniac!

He also likes motorcycles.

And lets me do stuff like this to him:

{That's mascara, in case you were wondering!}

And....we're back to cross-dressing!

This man is the most incredible gift that God has ever chosen to grace my life with. You'll hear me {or read me} brag about him a lot on here. Mostly because he's awesome. Mostly because he's mine. Mostly because he's hot. {Stop lusting!!!} Mostly because he's the only one who can frustrate me the most, make me laugh hardest and demonstrate the kind of movie love that every girl dreams about. Mostly because he proves that dreams do come true. 

His sweet dimple cheeks bring joy to my heart everyday {I could just eat his cheeks!} and there's not a day that goes by where his face wouldn't be the one I want to wake up to {that's right, morning breath and all}! He calls me beautiful in all my mess and accepts every part of me {the good, the bad, and the really ugly}. I'm so grateful that the ring on my finger means that I'm his forever. 

Happy Birthday, babe!!

Here's to another year full of lots of laughs, little tears and much love!

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

The Fear Factor

Have I mentioned that I hate bugs??
I HATE bugs!!!!
And Oklahoma just happens to be home to all sorts of lovely and exotic insects.
The kind that belong in a rainforest somewhere in South America.
Oh, and when I say "lovely," I really mean gross!!!!
Bugs that look like this:

Okay, so you've got the idea, me+bugs=no.
Well, on my drive home from a run with my sweet little Piper, I couldn't help but notice a creature crawling on my windshield. Crawling on the inside of my windshield. {And let me inform you that from here on out, all facts about this creature are going to be slightly exaggerated. For questions regarding this exaggeration, refer back to Part 1 of this post.}  It was a glowing with red and black stripes across its back and wings pervading out of its side. Creepyyyyyy!!!
Every ounce of my being wanted to freak out...I mean arms waving, me screaming, swerving and probably killing everyone on the road! Not good. This was not helped by the fact that the bug kept crawling closer and closer to the driver's side. With my arms gripping the steering wheel, I had to mentally talk myself out of letting go and going insane! Now I realize this sounds ridiculous, but all I could think of when that bug was crawling around was how, at any moment, he could choose to use those red and black striped wings to fly on over to my face {or arms & legs}, land on them and give them a big ol' bite! Luckily, it was only a 7 1/2 minute drive home {yes, you better believe I was counting!} and Piper and I made it home safely without any incidences. When we pulled in to the garage, I was able to put the car in park and calmly sweep the bug out in a napkin.

Then it occurred to me....this bug is how so many circumstances in life can be. The bug represents a situation that we are fearful of. When we encounter that fear, in the moment we want to do everything possible to avoid it, even if it means harming ourself or others. We react in ways that have no logic behind them. And why? Because we're so focused on that little tiny bug, that little tiny fear, that we lose sight of how good everything else around us is and instead to choose to focus on a millimeter in the miles of the big picture. Does that make sense?? The more we focus on the fear, the larger it seems and drowns out everything {and everyone} good around it. We've got to learn to zoom out and be able to function, even when a fear of the unknown is present.

This really resonated with where I'm at right now. It's so easy to get caught up in the unknown of our future, for this current situation to feel so permanent. But really, in the grand scheme of things, this is only a small part of the bigger story. Where Matt and I are at right now, what we've been through and what we're going through are all going to benefit us in our future. They're making us stronger. {I can already hear my girl, Kelly, singing backup!} And we have one HUGE advantage in our lives.....we serve a God who is madly in love with us and wants nothing more than to pour out his blessings and goodness all over our lives. He can see the big picture and is weaving every part together to make something beautiful! So I have the choice to focus on the now, the temporary, the unpleasant or I can choose to lift up my eyes and focus on the God who is not going to let me fail or die unhappy. I think I'll stick with Option 2.

"Fear based decisions seem logical to solve a problem - but they only increase the problem & delay the inevitable consequences of unbelief."
Jimmy Evans

"For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."
Zephaniah 3:17 NLT

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."
John 14:27 NLT

Prone to Wander

This song has been playing non-stop in our house this week. Ever get that feeling that something incredible is happening but you have nothing to go off of other than the Holy Spirit deep down inside you whispering hope? When in fact nothing around you speaks of hope, God is the hope to the hopeless. The light in the darkness. The direction when you feel lost. And the only thing that keeps you holding on when everything else speaks of despair. God is that hope. And we are, in fact, prisoners of hope. I am constantly in awe of the power of God's grace in our lives. They truly are "streams of mercy never ceasing" and I can't help but be overwhelmed by them. What an amazing God we serve!

Wisdom of the ages. I can't even read the lyrics without getting emotional. So many times I've doubted God working in our lives and even throw a sort of tantrum when I don't get the answers that I feel like I deserve. Yet his redeeming love always finds me and I find myself, once again, a debtor to grace.

And, because I love finding out the history of things, here's a little bit for you! "Come Thou Fount" was originally written by Robert Robinson in 1757 when he was only 22 years old. It was a sort of autobiography of his life and walk with the Lord. He wrote it to accompany a sermon he was working on and it has since become one of the most well-known hymns of our day. The line of the song that reads "Here I raise my Ebenezer," is referring to 1 Samuel 7:12 in which Samuel was referring to God's continued faithfulness. The hymn was composed by John Wyeth in 1813.

Come Thou fount of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise

And teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above

I'll praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it

Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Hither by Thy help I come

And I hope by Thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger

Wandering from the fold of God

He to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood

Oh, to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be

And let Thy goodness like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it

Seal it for Thy courts above

Something is stirring...

I don't know if it's all my friends and family right now that are pregnant...or maybe it's been watching a few friends go through the adoption process...but all I can tell you is that something deep inside of me is stirring. And just to answer any assumptions that you may have up front, no, I am not pregnant! Far from it actually. Let me start from the beginning.

When I was younger, there was a group called The African Children's Choir that used to travel around the U.S. to help raise money to send back to their homes. Most of them had lost both parents in tragedies that we couldn't even fathom. When they would come through Salt Lake, my family used to host a few of the kids. It was only for a few days, but those few days were long enough to make a lasting impression. I remember one particular year it had snowed in the mountains so we took the three girls that were staying with us up to see it. They had never seen snow before in their life and couldn't get enough of the fluffy whiteness that blanketed the ground! Throwing it in the air and at each other and sticking handfuls of it in their mouths, they were absolutely delighted at the snowy surprise! That same year, one of the girls had gotten very attached to my dad and when it was time to leave, all I can remember is that little girl clinging to my dad's neck, crying and not wanting to let go. My dad held her, patting her back and coaxing her to release. But I knew what she wanted was not to let go of the safety and security that she found in my dad's arms. I cried watching, because I knew how good those arms felt. A lasting impression.

I don't know if that's what started this stirring in my young heart, or if God had it planted there all along, but while most little girls played "House" and stuffed a ball up their tummies to pretend like they were pregnant, I was the odd one out who always dreamed of going over to Africa to save the orphans.  It's something that I never grew out of, and I can remember one particular night about 5 years ago when I was going through a hard time {yet another identity crisis}, there were so many unknowns in my life and I was so confused about who I was and what I was supposed to do. I can remember God whispering to me that night as I lay in bed crying to write down the things that I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he had told me about myself. I began making a list, and on that list was one thing that was outstanding above them all: I was called to be a mother to the motherless. I can remember even writing that phrase down brought me to tears. Typing it now has the same affect. It was a promise that I kept very dear to my heart and buried in the deepest, safest place.

Flash forward a couple years and I'm talking on the phone to a blue-eyed boy from Oklahoma. We're still in the getting-to-know-you stage, discussing dreams we have for our lives, when out of nowhere he says something that makes my heart stop. He begins telling me that he's always felt that God has called him to be a father to the fatherless. He wasn't really sure what that meant, and at that time he took it to mean that he was a father to all the hundreds of teenagers that he was with every week. But I knew better. I just listened, never revealing to him until almost a year later when we were engaged that God had spoken the same thing to me. But in that moment of his confession, I knew that that was the man I was going to marry. I even have it recorded in my journal. Creepy how stuff like that happens, right?! Only God.

Adoption has always been the topic when Matt and I talk about having a family. The alternative {which is, having a baby of our own} rarely if ever comes up as an option. That's not to say that if we had one of our own, that we wouldn't adore and cherish him or her, but it's just to say that our hearts have always been so set on adoption, that it's hard to imagine anything else! Most people have a hard time understanding that.

And here we are, in the present, on January 21, 2012. Today. The dream has been has been in slumber for quite a while, but in the past couple months, has slowly been making it's way to the surface. I don't know what that means for us or a timeline of when it will happen, but I just know that something deep inside me has started stirring. Maybe it's God starting to prepare our hearts for whatever the future holds or maybe it's just a result of all the pregnancy hormones floating around in the air. Whatever it is, I do know that I've started praying for our {future} little ones. Because maybe they are being born today. Because maybe their birth mother needs someone to show her compassion. Or, because maybe they need all the health, love, and compassion that only can be provided by a mother's heart who's half a world away. So instead I pray. I pray for health, love and compassion that comes from the ultimate Father of the fatherless. It's so comforting to have Him on our side and to know that wherever we are, wherever they are, we have someone who loves and cares for our little ones more than we can ever imagine!

So that's where we are folks! In the middle of a big bowl that's being stirred by a much bigger hand! We don't have a timeline, but we do ask that if it ever crosses your mind, that you pray with us!

"Father to the fatherless, defender of the widows - this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families..."

Psalm 68:5-6

Be still my soul.

Be still my soul. 

And get ready to take a deep breath of fresh air.

This cd....

....is now in my possession.

Timing couldn't be any better.

And here's a sample for your listening pleasure.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I've developed a new morning routine.....

Repeat these three phrases to yourself:

God is faithful.

God is good.

God loves me.

Because whether or not you feel it,

God is faithful.

God is good.

And God does love you, more than you know.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

No Strings {attached}

Matt and I had the coolest thing happen to us and just had to share with how God is working in our lives!  I'll back up a little bit...moving to Tulsa was a huge step for both of us! For people on the outside, it looked rushed and hectic, like we were being impulsive and irresponsible about our decision to leave.  However, no one knows that me and Matt had been feeling a change coming for quite a while, and only let a select few people in on what was going on in our hearts. So when the change finally presented itself, we both knew God was in it and decided to take a leap of faith and leave all things comfortable and safe for a brand new adventure {one in which we couldn't see all the details}!  Well when we arrived, things were a little different than what we were initially expecting {which is part of the beauty of life}, but nothing we couldn't handle and we made it work.  We still knew we had made the right decision and were loving our new life! However, a few things happened that have made the past two months quite a struggle.  We had quite a few unexpected financial set-backs that made us question if we had done or were doing the right thing.  There was one night that felt like a breaking point for both of us. Not in matter of breaking our marriage, but in a matter that we both felt completely drained and desperate for answers. It was one of those times when you're asking all the honest questions, and silence seems to be the only response.  In all the three years that I've known Matt, I can count two times when I've seen him cry, and one of those times was that night. I felt so helpless because I'm usually the one crying and being held by him!  All I could do was tell him that God had not forgotten us and that everything was going to be ok. Those were words that I didn't even believe at the time and I felt like such a hypocrite saying them. I knew deep down in my heart they were truths, but there seemed to be no light beaming from them. So.....I began to pray. We needed manna from heaven.

Matt had been asked a few months ago to be a part of a wedding ceremony for one of his close friends that he grew up with.  The friend and his {soon-to-be} wife had dated four years and finally decided to tie the knot! It was such a fun wedding to be a part of....one of those weddings where both families are just beaming with excitement and so is everyone attending! It was a great time with homemade food and lots of stories! The best part was that I was finally able to meet all the people that Matt had gotten into trouble with when he was younger! And for those of you who have met Matt, you wouldn't be surprised to learn that he was quite the the hooligan in his younger years! But really, not much has changed since then!  One of his friends that he had gotten in a particular amount of trouble with had drove in from out of town for the wedding with his new wife of only a couple months. The two of them are getting ready to head over to the Philippines as missionaries to be part of project called "FUEL" and have some of the most incredible hearts of anyone we've met! FUEL is a project that's designed to pinpoint and excel the passions of each individual, something that is nearly unheard of in the Filipino culture. They have started advertising the program with wrist bands that read "What is your passion?" and already, the wrist bands have made it across the college campuses and even the President of one of the colleges has boasted wearing one and holding assemblies to get students excited! We both felt inspired after talking with them! You can find out more about them and project Fuel here.

Anyway, after having coffee with the two of them, we were making our way to the cars and Matt's friend changed the direction of conversation and said, "You know, my aunt gave me some money and right when she handed it to me, God brought your name to mind. So here." And with that, he handed Matt the money.  We were both speechless. And at that moment, it was like God had wrapped us both in a huge hug and said, "See, I told you I haven't forgotten about you!"  Matt fumbled over his words for a minute but all he could say was, "Thanks, man!" Such a guy. He did go on to tell him a little about our struggle and how God used this as confirmation that we're exactly where we need to be. I just stood there, coaching myself to hold back the tears that were about to spill over.  My efforts were in vain as Matt took one look at me and said, "And she's going to cry." I burst in to tears and said, "Yes!" I hugged them both and told them how grateful we were.  We all talked a bit longer and then went our separate ways.  We almost felt guilty taking the money after hearing their incredible story and debated on refusing it, but then by doing so it would have been like shoving God's gift of confirmation and blessing right back in his face.

So Matt and I both got in our truck.  And even though I have been accused of {slight} exaggeration at moments, I'm being 100% honest when I tell you what song was playing when the radio turned on......



My response to God: "Ok, now you're just showing off!"

God is good, even in our darkest moments. He's the light that shines in the darkness....even when the darkness seems never-ending!

Let me add one more part to the story so you can know how really good God is!
Before we went out to coffee with Matt's friend and his wife, let me just mention it was a Sunday and that particular Sunday we didn't pay tithes! {GASP!!} Hah, I already know.  But before you start sending me messages filled with Bible verses about tithing, let me just mention that we had to drive separate cars to church that week because he was playing on the worship team...so it was one of those times where I thought he paid and he thought I paid. End of story. But that makes the story that much more cool because once again, it just shows how much God loves us!! A lot of times, I think people try to manipulate God with money. They tithe or give in the offering because they think that will give them God's blessings. But really what they're doing is trying to play God like a puppet. What we fail to grasp about God is that there are NO STRINGS ATTACHED to anything he does! Just because we're good people doesn't mean he loves us more or is going to do more for us than a person who isn't so good.  God gives freely and will not be mocked or manipulated by our actions. Think about this, if God could be manipulated by our money or actions, what would make him any different than us?? He wouldn't be a very big god if you ask me.  But what makes God so great is that everyone is equally loved in his eyes and all he desires is an individual relationship with us. It's such a beautiful thing and a testament to his love and grace. Grace gives us what we don't deserve and saves us from what we do deserve.  And let me just reiterate one more time that I fully believe in tithing and it's something I would recommend for everyone....whether you go to church or not. Give God your firsts and see how he blesses you!

Just in case you missed those lyrics....

"Calling All Angels"

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

[Chorus:]
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you don't give up [Repeat x4]

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

[Chorus]

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

[Chorus x2]

Calling all you angels [Repeat till fade]