When plans don't pan

Well folks, I'm back.

For a moment, at least.

Life has been such a whirlwind lately, the last thing on my mind has been blogging.

Let's just say, tis the season of change!

I feel like such a walking contradiction when it comes to this subject. 

On the one hand, I've been craving for some kind of change to take place in our lives. We've needed some kind of change to jolt us out of this cloud of monotony. 

However, when you get jolted, you don't always react the way that you had hoped or planned. That's usually because things don't work out the way that you had planned. And we all are far too familiar with the feeling of not having things pan out the way they do in your head.

I know I'm being vague, but I will clear things up and soon as plans are finalized.

Until then, let's just talk.

I'm in the middle of reading the best book right now.

"Greater" by Steven Furtick. 

Absolutely perfect for this season of life Matt and I are in now. It's one of those books that is so good, not because it makes you feel good, but because it tells you the things that you don't want to hear, but need to. Another sort of jolting experience. The unpleasantly pleasant kind. Each one of us are called to be something greater than average in our lives. That doesn't mean it looks the same to every person, but it does mean it exists. And often the call to do something greater means leaving the comfortable behind.  It sometimes means sacrificing the things you hold so dear to your heart, only to be lead into a plan that even in your wildest dreams, you never imagined. Sounds exciting, right? Yes, in a way. But the hardest part of the journey is in the sacrifice. And I don't mean sacrifice in the old Biblical translation of killing something. I mean it in the sense of giving up something that you hold very close.

The book follows the story of Elijah and Elisha from the Bible, starting in 1 Kings 19:19.

I won't go in to too many details, but I will summarize it.

Elisha was a simple man. In fact, we enter his life in the middle of a field while he's plowing behind a dozen oxen rears. His life, too, is monotonous, but comfortable and predictable. In the middle of his plowing, a man, Elijah, begins trudging toward him and out of nowhere, throws a cloak over his shoulders, a symbol of passing on an anointing. Elijah then keeps on trudging. You can imagine the bewilderment on Elisha's face. But at that moment, he had choice to make. He could either run after the man who had bestowed upon him the opportunity for something greater, or he could choose to stay behind the oxen rears.  The safe. The monotonous. If you're at all familiar with the story, you already know that Elisha went on to follow Elijah and was given a double anointing than that of Elijah. He went on to do much greater things than the man who gave him the cloak.  So what's the point of this story? Well when Elisha chose to do the greater, he not only left his old life behind, but he burned up anything that would give him a reason to turn back. {And no, he didn't burn any friends, relatives or humans, for that matter. Gosh, people, come on! What kind of story do you think this is anyway?! ;) }  Elisha didn't receive the double portion of "greater" until he gave up everything that might hold him back or cause him to turn back.

So that's where we are. In the middle of making decisions. One that's already breaking my heart. My fashion statement the last week has been Quasimodo eyes. Not by choice, of course.  Just a nasty side effect of water coming out of your eyes. 

Thanks for listening, friend. Sometimes your ears help make everything more clear.

Insanity on Sunday {not the workout kind}

My heart is full!

Remember when I told you about the amazing adoption journey over at Treasures Over the Rainbow?

Well their journey apart is finally over and their two little kiddos are home safe!

Funny how blogs can emotionally connect you with people you've never met.

Such is the story with this family!

Here's a little peak at their adventure's beginning. 

I pretty much cried the whole 15 minutes.

God has used this family's journey to teach me something about my own.

Bear with me as I try to explain....

You've already heard me talk about the last two years...blah, blah, blah...it's been hard.

I've mentioned to Matt before about how I wonder if the reason why the consistent lesson in the last two years has had to do with patience and trusting God is because that's what's going to be required of us in our adoption journey. Yet for some reason, it has never occurred to me that the separation and feeling of loss that I've experienced could also be part of that lesson. It never occurred to me until today, when I was reading about the post-adoption process. When a child is torn away from their environment, no matter how young they may be, the emotional effects of the trauma are felt, even by infants.  It is natural for them to regress and experience grief at the loss.  My heart started aching as I read this, aching because I know how hard that loss can be at my age, and I can't even imagine having to deal with that loss at a much younger and less developed stage of life.  God was totally speaking to my heart. No, I'm not saying that God intentionally made these last two years hard to teach me a lesson. That is not in God's nature to be mean. He is good and anything contrary to that is not of Him. What I am saying is that in that moment of ache, I could feel him speaking to my heart, whispering, as only a father could, saying, "Your hurt isn't wasted and for no reason. I promised to turn all things for good."  

I already love our little ones more than words can say. And I have no idea all of the trauma and changes that they will have experienced in their little lives by the time we're able to bring them into our family. In fact, I can't even imagine it! But what I do know is that if this small taste of loss that I've experienced in my life will make me a more compassionate, patient and understanding mother, I would go through it 100 more times so that my child wouldn't have to feel like the pain they're going through is gone through alone. Is it weird that I already love my kids that much and have no idea who they are?! Sometimes I think I could claim insanity.

Friday's Letters

Dear Friday, weren't you here yesterday?! Oh wait, no, that's when you were supposed to be here. Ah well. Better late than never!  Dear September, do you even know how happy you make me?! Not only are you my own personal New Year, but you carry so many other wonderful qualities like......scarves, crisp air, boots, colorful leaves, layers upon layers of clothing, pumpkin spice lattes and the best quality of all, you bring fall! For these things and more, I thank you!  Dear Husband, thank you for taking such good care of me while I wasted away in piles of tissues and cold medicine this week! You truly are my hero, and I love how you baby me when I'm sick! Because let's face it, I am a baby when I'm sick!  Dear Messy Hair, thank you for making such a great nest on my head. The earth thanks you for all the saved water and unused shampoo.   Dear Sickness, why must you love me so?! Because I promise the feelings aren't mutual. Do you really enjoy watching me sleep the day away and cough all night? Do you get some kind of sick pleasure out of watching me blow my innards into a Kleenex?! Please find a new hobby. Preferably one that doesn't resemble me.   Dear Husband, sorry for sharing my sickness with you. Tissue?

Dry Shampoo and Red Lipstick

{source}

Sometimes when I get home from work, the first thing I do is put on red lipstick.

Husband keeps asking why I do this, and my response is, "I'm practicing!" 

Practicing for what, you might ask. The truth is, I really have no idea. And thank goodness husband has never asked that question. Because if he did, this is what my real answer would be {performed in true melt-down style}:

"I've had a long day of coughing in my ear, crying on my shoulder and sneezing on my keyboard. So right now, I want to feel girly. Yes, I'm aware my hair hasn't been washed for four days and I'm wearing a hippie shirt and pajama bottoms, but I need something, anything, to inspire me! So right now, I'm going to play make-believe and pretend like I've been wearing this lipstick all day while parading around Paris in my heels {which also happen to be red}. Yes, I do want to feel pretty every day. And yes, I am aware that washing my hair more often would help achieve that. But when all else fails, there's always dry shampoo and red lipstick!"

So here I sit.

Hippie shirt.

Pajama bottoms.

Five-day old hair, nested on top of my head.

And red lipstick.

Total.Glam.

25 Like This.....

{early} Birthday shopping {with mom} for this:

{Shirt: Mint Boutique, Skirt: Mint Boutique, Shoes: Steve Madden, Jewelry: F21 & 31 Bits}

Wearing jewelry like this:

{this company changes lives like this} 

With red lipstick like this:

Staying in a house like this:

{vacay...hey, hey!!}

And eating cake like this:

But most importantly, being both surprised and spoiled by amazing people like this:

Needless to say, my love tank is on "full"!!!

Husband put soooooo much effort in to making the day {week} special!

There were surprises around every corner!

I was honestly blown away by the little details that were put in by my friends and family to make turning twenty-five such a special and unforgettable experience!

I'm convinced it's only a foretelling of all the awesome things that this next year holds!

Bring it on 25!

Much to-do about Disney!

Husband had some great news the other day.

He informed me that Cinderella {a.k.a. the movie solely responsible for every little girls' dreams} is going to be released from the Disney vault! 

Vault: the holder of all things wonderful and Disney. Why must you hold childrens' dreams captive?!

So, needless to say, I wasted no time adding it to the top of my birthday list!

{Oh hey, my birthday is in less than one month!!! It's the big TWO-FIVE!!!! Eeeek!}

It seems fitting that the movie should be released in time for my birthday.

Cinderella practically raised me.

When you're little, most children pray that God would bless their food at dinner time. But nope, not me. At dinner time, I prayed that Cinderella's step-mother and sisters would be nice to her. Those are the things that really matter, folks. I had my priorities straight!

So did my mom. And that's why my Cinderella time was cut in half. A drastic move, if you ask me.

Nonetheless, our relationship held strong.

And that's why she's at the top of the bday list twenty-five years later.

However, the vault {the true Disney villain} thought it better for me to wait until after my birthday to release Cinderella. {See, I told you. Vault = Villain}

Alas, I will have to wait until October 2nd to be reunited with my dear friend!

But it's okay, I have my dear Belle to get me thru until then.

You see, Cinderella may have raised me, but Belle is who I became.

Don't believe me??

Here's proof:

You see, not only do we both have brown hair and matching horses, but we both love adventures, reading {the same book over & over}, eating food while being entertained by utensils, singing original songs {Disney has yet to get their paws on mine}, and laying in the middle of the field while wishing on a dandelion. And don't even get me started on how much we both love castles and baguettes! Let's just say, Jef and Emily pretty much stole our {Belle & mine's} dream date in the library. Really, Emily?? You're not even a brunette. At least steal your date ideas from a princess who resembles you. I bet Sleeping Beauty could give you plenty of great ideas! Wandering thru the forest barefoot, baking a cake, wearing a dress that changes from blue to pink?? Although, I would avoid any relating to spindles or sewing machines.

You want to hear something even more magical?! When my sister and I went to Paris a few years ago, we, of course, went to Disneyland! And guess who I met there? In her home country of France?!

Belle, herself! And as always, looking lovely.

{It should be noted that I did, in fact do my hair that day. But the rain and lack of sleep had other ideas on what a good first impression looks like.}

Oh hey, and Lumiere was there, too!

Yep, we were in heaven!
Don't you just love Disney?!

Prisoners of Hope

Today I'm feeling extremely grateful. Grateful for the hope of a bright future and that our present hurts and disappoints don't deter us from the greatness that God has locked up inside of us. Grateful that, for the first time in quite a long time, I'm excited for what the future holds!

Growth has been on my mind a lot lately. Specifically, the type of growth that only happens by going through hard times. It is from that type of growth that comes not only a deep wisdom and understanding, but also a deep compassion and tenderness for people and all of their humanity. Growth is the positive reaction to trials; all the while, bitterness fights as its opponent. It takes a determined heart not to let bitterness win the victory.

The last two years, our journey has been filled with ups and downs. Luckily and thankfully, I've had Matt by my side through it all.  Moving away from family is probably the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. Ever.  And it's only gotten harder with the arrival of my little niece. It's so hard not to think about how much I'm missing. It's not just birthdays and holidays anymore, it's missing out on watching my little niece smile for the first time, wondering what makes her laugh, and having to watch her grow up through a computer screen.  My heart aches for home and the familiar. I feel like my life has been nothing but uncertainty the past two years. After getting married and moving to Oklahoma, I finally felt like we had developed a routine. We had our cute little house we had finally transformed from a bachelor pad in to a home, two little poochies and a couple of very close friends. That all didn't last long, because after only nine short months of being married, we packed up our sweet little house and made the move to Tulsa and were going to move in with my in-laws for a couple months until we got settled and found a place of our own. Once again, it felt like the rug was pulled from underneath us as we discovered that the contract on our house fell through and we were stuck with a house in another city, living with my husband's parents, and struggling to make ends meet. That year was the most difficult as we both worked extremely hard to keep everything together financially, only to watch the money we had saved for our future home slowly drain. It felt like the life was draining right out of us. We both took those changes in stride {with a little lemon and salt}, and kept going.

Finally, in February, we had a huge financial burden lifted as we found someone who wanted to rent out our house. We both felt so relieved that we could once again, start rebuilding our savings account. It's been such a huge blessing!  However, this year gifted us with a different set of challenges. Challenges that I had heard countless stories about, but never experienced on a personal level. All the changes that these past two years have held finally caught up with my body and has spun me in to a whirlwind of depression and anxiety attacks. I won't go in to too many details, but I will say that for being a person who is usually very happy-go-lucky and glass half-full, I have never struggled more with the inner battle between deep sadness and an overwhelming sense of guilt, frustration, helplessness and complete darkness. Depression truly is a deep pit that feels completely hopeless.

But the thing I'm learning through all this {and granted, I have my days}, is that even though the situation seems hopeless, it's not. Even though the depression and anxiety attacks make me feel like I'm going crazy, I'm not.  I can only thank God that I've had Matt to be here helping me through everything. Having battled anxiety himself a few years ago, he's there to help remind me that this is not my fault, it's nothing I've done wrong, I'm not going crazy and deep breaths are my best friend. He is truly the human form of God's graciousness in my life.

Oddly enough, this whole journey makes me grateful. Grateful for days like this when I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Grateful that I woke up this morning, and the picture at the top of the screen was the first thing I saw, and I just knew it was God whispering to me the message of "hope". Grateful that God never disposes any of our hurts; He's as green as they come when it comes to recycling and making things new. And most of all, grateful for the love and support of family, who have been so gentle and patient with me through this process.

One of our good friends gave me the best analogy: sometimes our life is like a sling-shot. We have to take a few steps back in order to be launched forward in to our destiny. So maybe these setbacks are just pulling us farther and farther back in order to be released forward in to something so much greater than we could have ever imagined! The set backs are the ammunition that's used to launch us forward.  And as difficult as it seems some days, I'm reminding myself to stop looking at the destination and enjoy the journey. I keep reminding myself to live everyday on purpose. To not let any of my sadness overshadow the good days that we have here. And as my dad so eloquently puts it, "Do your best to soak up every moment; because when you look back, the good days will be the ones you remember. The bad ones will just fade away into the past." Thanks, dad.

So, this is my goal:

"To love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes, 

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you again."

{Ellen Bass}

I will grab life by the face, life that so often seems plain and ugly, and I will choose to unfold and dig up the passion that is buried deep within. My journey is more of a hunt. A treasure hunt. A treasure that was placed there by one who loves me, chose me and considers my soul the true treasure. The One who gave me this promise, and will not fail to fulfill it.

"As for you, because of the blood of my covenant with you, I will free your prisoners from the waterless pit. Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." 

{Zechariah 9:11-12}

Yes, friends. There is always hope.