Long Drives and Serenades

Husband and I took a drive this weekend.

A long, romantic drive.

The ones where you hold hands and no words are needed.

But words were spoken, because let's face it, I'm a girl!

That's when the sweetest thing happened....

One of the most beautiful songs of all time came on to serenade our drive.

Things just sort of hushed and we squeezed each others' hands a little tighter and listened to the sweet sound of Adele's "Make You Feel My Love".

Naturally, you tend to remember the treasure you were given in each other.

Husband took it one step further.

During the song, he said "I just got the feeling that God wants us to know that this is His song to us."

Tears came to my eyes, because I knew it was true. 

And I knew that God was right there with us in the car.

That moment, that song, was instantly turned to one of very, intimate romance.

Not just romance between a husband and wife, but romance between an ever-loving, never-giving-up-on, knows-just-what-to-say kind of God and his two little kids.

The kind of God that sees exactly where you are, knows every ounce of fear you're feeling about the next step, and knows that despite all those things, you're stepping out and putting all your trust in Him. 

It's in those moments, that that sweet, gentle Jesus shows up in the car and whispers of the lengths he'll go to reassure you of his love 

That, my friends, is true romance!

My prayer is that each and every one of you reading this will experience a moment of romance just as intimate as this with the God who is not mad at you, but madly in love with you! Those moments are the ones that can not be made up or manipulated by emotion, rather, they are made up of the reassurance that your life is full of potential and purpose, never to be taken away.

True romance.

When plans don't pan

Well folks, I'm back.

For a moment, at least.

Life has been such a whirlwind lately, the last thing on my mind has been blogging.

Let's just say, tis the season of change!

I feel like such a walking contradiction when it comes to this subject. 

On the one hand, I've been craving for some kind of change to take place in our lives. We've needed some kind of change to jolt us out of this cloud of monotony. 

However, when you get jolted, you don't always react the way that you had hoped or planned. That's usually because things don't work out the way that you had planned. And we all are far too familiar with the feeling of not having things pan out the way they do in your head.

I know I'm being vague, but I will clear things up and soon as plans are finalized.

Until then, let's just talk.

I'm in the middle of reading the best book right now.

"Greater" by Steven Furtick. 

Absolutely perfect for this season of life Matt and I are in now. It's one of those books that is so good, not because it makes you feel good, but because it tells you the things that you don't want to hear, but need to. Another sort of jolting experience. The unpleasantly pleasant kind. Each one of us are called to be something greater than average in our lives. That doesn't mean it looks the same to every person, but it does mean it exists. And often the call to do something greater means leaving the comfortable behind.  It sometimes means sacrificing the things you hold so dear to your heart, only to be lead into a plan that even in your wildest dreams, you never imagined. Sounds exciting, right? Yes, in a way. But the hardest part of the journey is in the sacrifice. And I don't mean sacrifice in the old Biblical translation of killing something. I mean it in the sense of giving up something that you hold very close.

The book follows the story of Elijah and Elisha from the Bible, starting in 1 Kings 19:19.

I won't go in to too many details, but I will summarize it.

Elisha was a simple man. In fact, we enter his life in the middle of a field while he's plowing behind a dozen oxen rears. His life, too, is monotonous, but comfortable and predictable. In the middle of his plowing, a man, Elijah, begins trudging toward him and out of nowhere, throws a cloak over his shoulders, a symbol of passing on an anointing. Elijah then keeps on trudging. You can imagine the bewilderment on Elisha's face. But at that moment, he had choice to make. He could either run after the man who had bestowed upon him the opportunity for something greater, or he could choose to stay behind the oxen rears.  The safe. The monotonous. If you're at all familiar with the story, you already know that Elisha went on to follow Elijah and was given a double anointing than that of Elijah. He went on to do much greater things than the man who gave him the cloak.  So what's the point of this story? Well when Elisha chose to do the greater, he not only left his old life behind, but he burned up anything that would give him a reason to turn back. {And no, he didn't burn any friends, relatives or humans, for that matter. Gosh, people, come on! What kind of story do you think this is anyway?! ;) }  Elisha didn't receive the double portion of "greater" until he gave up everything that might hold him back or cause him to turn back.

So that's where we are. In the middle of making decisions. One that's already breaking my heart. My fashion statement the last week has been Quasimodo eyes. Not by choice, of course.  Just a nasty side effect of water coming out of your eyes. 

Thanks for listening, friend. Sometimes your ears help make everything more clear.

Insanity on Sunday {not the workout kind}

My heart is full!

Remember when I told you about the amazing adoption journey over at Treasures Over the Rainbow?

Well their journey apart is finally over and their two little kiddos are home safe!

Funny how blogs can emotionally connect you with people you've never met.

Such is the story with this family!

Here's a little peak at their adventure's beginning. 

I pretty much cried the whole 15 minutes.

God has used this family's journey to teach me something about my own.

Bear with me as I try to explain....

You've already heard me talk about the last two years...blah, blah, blah...it's been hard.

I've mentioned to Matt before about how I wonder if the reason why the consistent lesson in the last two years has had to do with patience and trusting God is because that's what's going to be required of us in our adoption journey. Yet for some reason, it has never occurred to me that the separation and feeling of loss that I've experienced could also be part of that lesson. It never occurred to me until today, when I was reading about the post-adoption process. When a child is torn away from their environment, no matter how young they may be, the emotional effects of the trauma are felt, even by infants.  It is natural for them to regress and experience grief at the loss.  My heart started aching as I read this, aching because I know how hard that loss can be at my age, and I can't even imagine having to deal with that loss at a much younger and less developed stage of life.  God was totally speaking to my heart. No, I'm not saying that God intentionally made these last two years hard to teach me a lesson. That is not in God's nature to be mean. He is good and anything contrary to that is not of Him. What I am saying is that in that moment of ache, I could feel him speaking to my heart, whispering, as only a father could, saying, "Your hurt isn't wasted and for no reason. I promised to turn all things for good."  

I already love our little ones more than words can say. And I have no idea all of the trauma and changes that they will have experienced in their little lives by the time we're able to bring them into our family. In fact, I can't even imagine it! But what I do know is that if this small taste of loss that I've experienced in my life will make me a more compassionate, patient and understanding mother, I would go through it 100 more times so that my child wouldn't have to feel like the pain they're going through is gone through alone. Is it weird that I already love my kids that much and have no idea who they are?! Sometimes I think I could claim insanity.

Prisoners of Hope

Today I'm feeling extremely grateful. Grateful for the hope of a bright future and that our present hurts and disappoints don't deter us from the greatness that God has locked up inside of us. Grateful that, for the first time in quite a long time, I'm excited for what the future holds!

Growth has been on my mind a lot lately. Specifically, the type of growth that only happens by going through hard times. It is from that type of growth that comes not only a deep wisdom and understanding, but also a deep compassion and tenderness for people and all of their humanity. Growth is the positive reaction to trials; all the while, bitterness fights as its opponent. It takes a determined heart not to let bitterness win the victory.

The last two years, our journey has been filled with ups and downs. Luckily and thankfully, I've had Matt by my side through it all.  Moving away from family is probably the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. Ever.  And it's only gotten harder with the arrival of my little niece. It's so hard not to think about how much I'm missing. It's not just birthdays and holidays anymore, it's missing out on watching my little niece smile for the first time, wondering what makes her laugh, and having to watch her grow up through a computer screen.  My heart aches for home and the familiar. I feel like my life has been nothing but uncertainty the past two years. After getting married and moving to Oklahoma, I finally felt like we had developed a routine. We had our cute little house we had finally transformed from a bachelor pad in to a home, two little poochies and a couple of very close friends. That all didn't last long, because after only nine short months of being married, we packed up our sweet little house and made the move to Tulsa and were going to move in with my in-laws for a couple months until we got settled and found a place of our own. Once again, it felt like the rug was pulled from underneath us as we discovered that the contract on our house fell through and we were stuck with a house in another city, living with my husband's parents, and struggling to make ends meet. That year was the most difficult as we both worked extremely hard to keep everything together financially, only to watch the money we had saved for our future home slowly drain. It felt like the life was draining right out of us. We both took those changes in stride {with a little lemon and salt}, and kept going.

Finally, in February, we had a huge financial burden lifted as we found someone who wanted to rent out our house. We both felt so relieved that we could once again, start rebuilding our savings account. It's been such a huge blessing!  However, this year gifted us with a different set of challenges. Challenges that I had heard countless stories about, but never experienced on a personal level. All the changes that these past two years have held finally caught up with my body and has spun me in to a whirlwind of depression and anxiety attacks. I won't go in to too many details, but I will say that for being a person who is usually very happy-go-lucky and glass half-full, I have never struggled more with the inner battle between deep sadness and an overwhelming sense of guilt, frustration, helplessness and complete darkness. Depression truly is a deep pit that feels completely hopeless.

But the thing I'm learning through all this {and granted, I have my days}, is that even though the situation seems hopeless, it's not. Even though the depression and anxiety attacks make me feel like I'm going crazy, I'm not.  I can only thank God that I've had Matt to be here helping me through everything. Having battled anxiety himself a few years ago, he's there to help remind me that this is not my fault, it's nothing I've done wrong, I'm not going crazy and deep breaths are my best friend. He is truly the human form of God's graciousness in my life.

Oddly enough, this whole journey makes me grateful. Grateful for days like this when I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Grateful that I woke up this morning, and the picture at the top of the screen was the first thing I saw, and I just knew it was God whispering to me the message of "hope". Grateful that God never disposes any of our hurts; He's as green as they come when it comes to recycling and making things new. And most of all, grateful for the love and support of family, who have been so gentle and patient with me through this process.

One of our good friends gave me the best analogy: sometimes our life is like a sling-shot. We have to take a few steps back in order to be launched forward in to our destiny. So maybe these setbacks are just pulling us farther and farther back in order to be released forward in to something so much greater than we could have ever imagined! The set backs are the ammunition that's used to launch us forward.  And as difficult as it seems some days, I'm reminding myself to stop looking at the destination and enjoy the journey. I keep reminding myself to live everyday on purpose. To not let any of my sadness overshadow the good days that we have here. And as my dad so eloquently puts it, "Do your best to soak up every moment; because when you look back, the good days will be the ones you remember. The bad ones will just fade away into the past." Thanks, dad.

So, this is my goal:

"To love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes, 

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you again."

{Ellen Bass}

I will grab life by the face, life that so often seems plain and ugly, and I will choose to unfold and dig up the passion that is buried deep within. My journey is more of a hunt. A treasure hunt. A treasure that was placed there by one who loves me, chose me and considers my soul the true treasure. The One who gave me this promise, and will not fail to fulfill it.

"As for you, because of the blood of my covenant with you, I will free your prisoners from the waterless pit. Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." 

{Zechariah 9:11-12}

Yes, friends. There is always hope.

The Fear Factor

Have I mentioned that I hate bugs??
I HATE bugs!!!!
And Oklahoma just happens to be home to all sorts of lovely and exotic insects.
The kind that belong in a rainforest somewhere in South America.
Oh, and when I say "lovely," I really mean gross!!!!
Bugs that look like this:

Okay, so you've got the idea, me+bugs=no.
Well, on my drive home from a run with my sweet little Piper, I couldn't help but notice a creature crawling on my windshield. Crawling on the inside of my windshield. {And let me inform you that from here on out, all facts about this creature are going to be slightly exaggerated. For questions regarding this exaggeration, refer back to Part 1 of this post.}  It was a glowing with red and black stripes across its back and wings pervading out of its side. Creepyyyyyy!!!
Every ounce of my being wanted to freak out...I mean arms waving, me screaming, swerving and probably killing everyone on the road! Not good. This was not helped by the fact that the bug kept crawling closer and closer to the driver's side. With my arms gripping the steering wheel, I had to mentally talk myself out of letting go and going insane! Now I realize this sounds ridiculous, but all I could think of when that bug was crawling around was how, at any moment, he could choose to use those red and black striped wings to fly on over to my face {or arms & legs}, land on them and give them a big ol' bite! Luckily, it was only a 7 1/2 minute drive home {yes, you better believe I was counting!} and Piper and I made it home safely without any incidences. When we pulled in to the garage, I was able to put the car in park and calmly sweep the bug out in a napkin.

Then it occurred to me....this bug is how so many circumstances in life can be. The bug represents a situation that we are fearful of. When we encounter that fear, in the moment we want to do everything possible to avoid it, even if it means harming ourself or others. We react in ways that have no logic behind them. And why? Because we're so focused on that little tiny bug, that little tiny fear, that we lose sight of how good everything else around us is and instead to choose to focus on a millimeter in the miles of the big picture. Does that make sense?? The more we focus on the fear, the larger it seems and drowns out everything {and everyone} good around it. We've got to learn to zoom out and be able to function, even when a fear of the unknown is present.

This really resonated with where I'm at right now. It's so easy to get caught up in the unknown of our future, for this current situation to feel so permanent. But really, in the grand scheme of things, this is only a small part of the bigger story. Where Matt and I are at right now, what we've been through and what we're going through are all going to benefit us in our future. They're making us stronger. {I can already hear my girl, Kelly, singing backup!} And we have one HUGE advantage in our lives.....we serve a God who is madly in love with us and wants nothing more than to pour out his blessings and goodness all over our lives. He can see the big picture and is weaving every part together to make something beautiful! So I have the choice to focus on the now, the temporary, the unpleasant or I can choose to lift up my eyes and focus on the God who is not going to let me fail or die unhappy. I think I'll stick with Option 2.

"Fear based decisions seem logical to solve a problem - but they only increase the problem & delay the inevitable consequences of unbelief."
Jimmy Evans

"For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."
Zephaniah 3:17 NLT

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."
John 14:27 NLT

Something is stirring...

I don't know if it's all my friends and family right now that are pregnant...or maybe it's been watching a few friends go through the adoption process...but all I can tell you is that something deep inside of me is stirring. And just to answer any assumptions that you may have up front, no, I am not pregnant! Far from it actually. Let me start from the beginning.

When I was younger, there was a group called The African Children's Choir that used to travel around the U.S. to help raise money to send back to their homes. Most of them had lost both parents in tragedies that we couldn't even fathom. When they would come through Salt Lake, my family used to host a few of the kids. It was only for a few days, but those few days were long enough to make a lasting impression. I remember one particular year it had snowed in the mountains so we took the three girls that were staying with us up to see it. They had never seen snow before in their life and couldn't get enough of the fluffy whiteness that blanketed the ground! Throwing it in the air and at each other and sticking handfuls of it in their mouths, they were absolutely delighted at the snowy surprise! That same year, one of the girls had gotten very attached to my dad and when it was time to leave, all I can remember is that little girl clinging to my dad's neck, crying and not wanting to let go. My dad held her, patting her back and coaxing her to release. But I knew what she wanted was not to let go of the safety and security that she found in my dad's arms. I cried watching, because I knew how good those arms felt. A lasting impression.

I don't know if that's what started this stirring in my young heart, or if God had it planted there all along, but while most little girls played "House" and stuffed a ball up their tummies to pretend like they were pregnant, I was the odd one out who always dreamed of going over to Africa to save the orphans.  It's something that I never grew out of, and I can remember one particular night about 5 years ago when I was going through a hard time {yet another identity crisis}, there were so many unknowns in my life and I was so confused about who I was and what I was supposed to do. I can remember God whispering to me that night as I lay in bed crying to write down the things that I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he had told me about myself. I began making a list, and on that list was one thing that was outstanding above them all: I was called to be a mother to the motherless. I can remember even writing that phrase down brought me to tears. Typing it now has the same affect. It was a promise that I kept very dear to my heart and buried in the deepest, safest place.

Flash forward a couple years and I'm talking on the phone to a blue-eyed boy from Oklahoma. We're still in the getting-to-know-you stage, discussing dreams we have for our lives, when out of nowhere he says something that makes my heart stop. He begins telling me that he's always felt that God has called him to be a father to the fatherless. He wasn't really sure what that meant, and at that time he took it to mean that he was a father to all the hundreds of teenagers that he was with every week. But I knew better. I just listened, never revealing to him until almost a year later when we were engaged that God had spoken the same thing to me. But in that moment of his confession, I knew that that was the man I was going to marry. I even have it recorded in my journal. Creepy how stuff like that happens, right?! Only God.

Adoption has always been the topic when Matt and I talk about having a family. The alternative {which is, having a baby of our own} rarely if ever comes up as an option. That's not to say that if we had one of our own, that we wouldn't adore and cherish him or her, but it's just to say that our hearts have always been so set on adoption, that it's hard to imagine anything else! Most people have a hard time understanding that.

And here we are, in the present, on January 21, 2012. Today. The dream has been has been in slumber for quite a while, but in the past couple months, has slowly been making it's way to the surface. I don't know what that means for us or a timeline of when it will happen, but I just know that something deep inside me has started stirring. Maybe it's God starting to prepare our hearts for whatever the future holds or maybe it's just a result of all the pregnancy hormones floating around in the air. Whatever it is, I do know that I've started praying for our {future} little ones. Because maybe they are being born today. Because maybe their birth mother needs someone to show her compassion. Or, because maybe they need all the health, love, and compassion that only can be provided by a mother's heart who's half a world away. So instead I pray. I pray for health, love and compassion that comes from the ultimate Father of the fatherless. It's so comforting to have Him on our side and to know that wherever we are, wherever they are, we have someone who loves and cares for our little ones more than we can ever imagine!

So that's where we are folks! In the middle of a big bowl that's being stirred by a much bigger hand! We don't have a timeline, but we do ask that if it ever crosses your mind, that you pray with us!

"Father to the fatherless, defender of the widows - this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families..."

Psalm 68:5-6

Reflections

So I just realized I had forgotten to post this after I wrote it...oops! My B! Haha! So please pardon the time lapse as you read some of my ramblings! :) Oh and also, please excuse this picture of Piper....she wanted to get in on today's blogging action!

It's the day after Thanksgiving and I'm feeling as turkey-hungover as ever!! Somewhere between my bed and the living room couch, all motivation ceased to exist! So today has been filled with lots of time with Piper and Lola {my two sweet puppies} and old, girly, romantic movies....the kind I can only watch when I'm either alone or in the company of another girl! My special guests were Judy Garland and Tom Hanks. Romance was going strong!

Matt and I were able to celebrate Thanksgiving twice this year, once with my family last week and again with his family yesterday. We both feel incredibly blessed to have such great support groups!! So, in the order of Thanksgiving traditions, I thought I would talk about the thing for which I'm most {very} thankful for! I'll give you one guess....it starts with "M" and ends with "att"?!  Our first year of marriage brought so many unexpected twists and turns....some that would tear most couples apart, but I can honestly say that I have never felt closer to this wonderful man! I read something today that said, "The couples that are meant to be are the ones who go through everything designed to tear them apart and come out even stronger than they were before." I really couldn't agree more.  I think today's society enter into marriage so lightly that when the bumps in the road do come, they automatically assume it's the other person's fault and jump ship. Definitely not what God had in mind when he designed marriage. Marriage is a team effort and some days you have to make a choice to love the goopy-eyed, vermon breathed, frizzy haired mess that's laying next to you {poor Matt....Sleeping Beauty wasn't my favorite princess for a reason!}. Anyway, today I was reading some of Matt and I's first emails to each other. They contained all the usual get-to-know-you questions along with a few epiphanies and dreams. We had the world figured out and our lives all planned...funny how much we DIDN'T know! Haha! I think if anything, these past couple years have taught me how to "let go and let God". Granted, I'm still in the middle of learning that and there's been plenty of kicking and screaming along the way, but I am learning. Nothing panned out like we had planned, but we can only put our hope in the fact that God does have our best interest in mind and he is faithful. Some days it's easier to do that than others, but luckily when one of us is feeling down the other is there to help bring the other one up. We're a team. And a pretty good one at that! ♥

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I've developed a new morning routine.....

Repeat these three phrases to yourself:

God is faithful.

God is good.

God loves me.

Because whether or not you feel it,

God is faithful.

God is good.

And God does love you, more than you know.

Lather, rinse, repeat.